


Hiraeth

by chaoticamanda



Category: Star vs. The Forces Of Evil
Genre: Angst, Depressed!Star, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, i still have to tag it though, jarco is together but this is definitely not a jarco fic, starco will be endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-24 22:25:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9789845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaoticamanda/pseuds/chaoticamanda
Summary: “Am I on a good path?” Star asks, suddenly desperate. The wind gets louder as the golden eyes shift back to her.“The path shifts, always. Once you were happy, now you are not. Once you knew the way, now you do not.”





	1. you were beaming once before, but it's not like that anymore

There is a weight in her chest that she’s felt since that night in the cemetery. She had lost everything in one fell swoop, and part of her wishes that Marco had just let her get sucked into the portal. Losing the book and losing Glossaryck had hurt like nothing she had ever felt, but feeling like she had somehow lost Marco was a wound that only seemed to fester.

She’s happy that he gets to be with the girl of his dreams, because they’re best friends and he deserves it. Really, she is. It’s just that suddenly  _she_  wants to be the girl of his dreams, or at the very least, she doesn’t want things to change between them and she doesn’t know how to approach her feelings without ruining everything.

The way he pulls back is gradual, barely noticeable if she hadn’t been so drenched in loneliness by her failures as of late. She tries to excuse it, because he’s in a relationship, so of course he has to spend more time with Jackie and less with Star. It’s understandable, even if it makes her incredibly jealous.

Glossaryck forsakes her, and everything gets worse. She literally breaches reality to get to him, but he doesn’t want to come back, doesn’t want her to rescue him. The weight in her chest shifts, as if to remind her that it’s there to stay. It’s the only company she can count on now.

Sometimes she thinks about telling Marco how she feels—lonely and defeated and probably in love with him. She can never do it, mostly because she’s a coward and a little bit because it will bring some kind of irreversible change that they're unprepared for.

She doesn’t tell him about the book of spells she works on when she can’t sleep. Part of her feels like it’s something she needs to do on her own and the other part of her is terrified that he won’t care about how important it is to her.

Marco goes portal happy, and for once, she feels almost like her old self-- kicking butt in the name of Marco. She tears through Hekapoo's dimension to find him and finds a beautiful stranger that turns out to be him. Star can barely focus as Marco explains his sixteen-year journey. She wishes that hug she'd broke out of lasted longer, especially when Marco says he's not coming back. 

"What about your family, your friends..." Star swallows, afraid of his answer, "What about me?"

He smiles at her and comes home, but she can't forget how close she was to losing him. Is he sick of having adventures with her?

Little venomous thoughts start to invade her mind, making a cozy little home nestled in that weight in her chest. Thoughts like  _he doesn’t need me now that he has Jackie_ and  _she’ll never be a magical princess from another dimension_ followed by  _but she doesn’t have to be_ make her look away from Marco in shame. He never notices or he pretends not to. She doesn’t know which is worse.

Her mother sends an evaluator to see if she needs to return home. Star doesn’t want to fail, not after everything that’s happened, but…she doesn’t know if she wants to stay anymore. Lately her time on Earth has felt useless, especially with how hard it's become to ignore her feelings. Marco is a lot more physically affectionate than when she had first met him, and every time they hold each other it’s harder for her to pull away.

Marco forgets Friendship Thursday and she cries for an hour before picking herself up and putting herself back together. Hesitantly, she calls Tom instead of Pony Head. As crappy as their relationship had been, he had once been a good listener.

When she asks if he wants to hang out, he skeptically peers at her, “Your boyfriend’s not around?”

She bursts into tears again and he backpedals, “Hey, no! I’m sorry! Look, come on over and we’ll hang out, okay?”

Star ends up telling Tom everything after threatening him if he tries to pull anything. Surprisingly, he just pats her back when she finishes, “I know how you feel.”

Star’s answering smile is weak and watery, but she’s sincere when she whispers, “You’re a good friend.”

Tom’s smile is much more bright, and it makes her feel better. They play a few rounds of ping pong before Star has to return home. She almost wants to go somewhere else, but she’s a Butterfly and even if she’s been a coward, she has to be brave. “Tom, what am I going to do?” she groans.

“I’m a fan of big romantic gestures,” he shrugs, and she rolls her eyes at him. He rolls his own back at her, “You’ll think of something.”

She runs into Marco as soon as she exits the portal, her face nonchalant. “Oh…hey, Marco. What’s up?”

“I…” Marco frowns, “I, uh, noticed that you were gone. I’m sorry I missed our thing, time got away from me.”

“Oh,” Star starts, surprised. It’s bad, but she likes that he sounds guilty, “It’s, um, fine. I hung out with Tom.”

Marco’s eyes widen and his frown deepens. The vicious part of her whispers that he looks jealous, or at least, concerned. She frowns too, more at herself than him. “You were with Tom?”

“Yeah,” she shrugs, “It was fun.”

“He, uh, behaved himself?” Marco asked awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck.

Star bristles at that, “You think I couldn’t handle him even if he did?”

Marco has the decency to look embarrassed, at least, “I just want to make sure you were safe.”

“I was,” she says, glancing away. Tension settles over them; the words Star needs to say creating a barrier between them.

Marco stands there awkwardly and he looks like he has something he wants to say, but the room remains silent. She wants to scream at him for not trusting her, for forgetting their plans, for not reading her mind and acknowledging that she’s in love with him.

She wishes they could go back to how things used to be.

“Do you want some nachos?” Marco asks, extending a peace offering. In one of those parallel universes, she takes it. Maybe she even confesses to him.

In this one, she sighs, “I’m not hungry.”

“Right,” he nods, backing away, “Well, I’m sorry, Star. I’ll make it up to you next time.”

Star nods gently, the weight in her chest suddenly too much for her to bear. She curls up on her mattress and winces when Marco closes the door. In her dream, she is standing on a small rocky platform in the middle of strong, swirling winds. There is a huge woman in front of her, carefully stringing together beads the size of dump trucks. “Who are you?” Star yells over the wind, reaching for her wand only to find it’s not there.

The woman pauses in her ministrations, golden eyes shifting to gaze at Star, “I’m the Jeweler.” Her voice is soft and breathy, but Star has no trouble hearing her over the wind. “Why am I here?” Star glances around. There is a giant spool of red thread to the right of the Jeweler, and a bubbling cauldron that she’s pulling the beads out of on her left.

“I don’t know,” The Jeweler said, her voice still just above a whisper. “Who are you?”

“Who am I?” Star bites her lip, “I’m Star Butterfly.”

“Star Butterfly…” Star doesn’t like the way the Jeweler says her name, “Perhaps I’m meant to untangle you.”

“Say what now?” Star backs to the edge of her tiny platform, clenching her fists.

“Your jewelry is very tangled right now,” The Jeweler explains, holding up a piece of red string with her finger, “Tangled in other peoples and your own.”

“Is that bad?” Star asks, staring up at the giant woman.

“It will be untangled by the time I finish the jewelry. Every bead finds its home next to the other eventually, regardless of its current alignment. Right now you have many beads looking to find their home, their counterparts.” The Jeweler returns to beading the string.

“But…shouldn’t they just go one after the other?” Star edges a little closer, peering at the giant beads. They’re all painted intricately, but Star can’t make out the images staring straight at them, only in her periphery.

“There are many beads for many choices,” The Jeweler says without looking up, “The beads simply illustrate the path you take.”

“Am I on a good path?” Star asks, suddenly desperate. The wind gets louder as the golden eyes shift back to her.

“The path shifts, always. Once you were happy, now you are not. Once you knew the way, now you do not.” Star feels tears welling again, partly from the wind picking up, partly from fear.

“Can’t you change the beads?” She cries at the giant woman, stumbling back a few inches.

“I only assemble the jewelry,” The Jeweler says, turning back to her work, “and it _will_ be completed.”

“Wait!” Star yelps, flailing as she is blown off the platform. Her eyes snap open, her cheeks soaked with tears and sweat.

She feels sick to her stomach. What if she’s on the wrong path? What if she’s messing up other people’s, _Marco’s?_

 _No._ She’s a Butterfly, and she will fix her mess—messes. If she leaves Marco on Earth, rescues Glossaryck, and learns the way she was meant to, things will be like they were supposed to. Marco can date Jackie without having to worry about Hurricane Star, he can live the life he was going to. Star will…Star can do what she needs to do, be the person they need her to be.

At the very least, she won’t be wasting everyone’s time on Earth.

Star packs her cloud bag with her spell book and a few other items she thinks she might need. She writes a short note for her host parents, apologizing for all the damage she’s done and thanking them for being so lovely. She prays they won’t catch her as she does her best to fix their spare room. She gets the room back to normal, but can’t fix the hole in the roof.

Her next stop is Marco’s bedroom where he’s curled up under his sheets, sleeping peacefully. His face is smoothed out, his hair messy and falling into his face. She can’t resist gently carding her fingers through it, pushing it back out of his face. Marco leans into her touch, but doesn’t wake up. “I’m leaving, Marco. I’m going to fix the mess I made…or at least try to. I’m not going to bother you anymore…” She sighs, a ball rising in her throat, “I wish I could have been enough for you. But I never stood a chance against Jackie Lynn Thomas, not from day one. That’s okay. You’re happy with her, and I think you were always meant to be with her. I just…I love you, Marco. And I’m sorry.” The weight in her chest is considerably lighter at her confession, even if he’s asleep. At least she will leave having said what she should have a long time ago. “Goodbye,” she blinks away her tears.

“…Star?” Marco groans sleepily, barely awake. She retracts her fingers at the speed of lightning, her cheeks burning, “W-What’re you…doing?” He doesn’t open his eyes.

“Um,” she backs away from his bed, “Can I borrow the scissors? The puppies need to go out and I think it’s raining.”

“Yeah, yeah,” He mushes his face back into his pillow, “Goodnight, Star.”

“Goodnight, Marco,” she says, her voice breaking. He is already asleep again, and she thinks her heart breaks at the same time the door latch clicks into place.

It’s better for him this way, so she tears a hole in reality and steps through alone.


	2. count all the moods you've known, know they're not set in stone

Marco wakes slowly, leisurely, stretching from his toes to his fingers. A soft sigh escapes him as he cuddles his pillow, clinging to the last little bit of warmth that comes from a good night’s sleep. Today’s Friday, which is pretty great—he’s only got one more day of school and then he has the whole weekend to hang out with Jackie or go on some misadventure with Star. He can hear the clatter of breakfast downstairs and he rolls out of bed to take a quick shower, blinking any remaining sleepiness away.

He thinks about Star in the shower—not in a creepy way. Marco feels awful for missing Friendship Thursday yesterday, but things have been weird with Star since Ludo stole the book. He’s trying to give her space, figuring she’ll talk to him when she’s ready. They’re best friends, and he’s always going to be there for her, even if they mess up sometimes.

In the meantime, he’s been spending time with Jackie. It’s…different than he had imagined, but it’s not exactly a bad different. It’s just weird to reconcile the idea he had of her with who she really is, but he thinks it’s going okay.

He pulls on a red sweatshirt to complete his look before heading downstairs, glancing over at Star’s door. He hopes she’s already downstairs, that she’ll let him make it up to her. Marco’s parents are both downstairs and they both give him this weird, sad little smile. Marco scrunches his face in confusion, “Uh, good morning. Star not up yet?”

“Honey,” His mom glances at his dad, “Star left.”

“What?” He doesn’t understand what his mom means, “She already left for school?”

“Did she not leave you a nice little note too?” His father asks, scratching his head, “She is no longer with us.”

 _“What?”_ Marco’s heart begins to pound, and he backs away from his parents. This has to be a joke, right? She must be upstairs, hiding, waiting for him to find her. He races up the stairs, ignoring the call from his mom.

“Star!” Marco calls, throwing open her door, stopping dead in his tracks when he sees no trace of her room. Everything is back in its old place with the exception of a few singe marks and a giant hole in the ceiling. Panic begins to set in, creeping its cold fingers around Marco’s lungs, “Star! This isn’t funny! If this is payback for last night…just come out, okay? _Please?”_

The room remains silent, and Marco backs out into the hallway, trying to regulate his breathing. Why would she leave? Why wouldn’t she say goodbye to him? What if she’s been kidnapped? Or hurt?

Marco’s mind races as he barges into his own room, looking desperately for the dimensional scissors. Hadn’t he left them on his night table? He fights to remember, but only a foggy memory swims to the surface. Star had been in his room last night, talking to him. He couldn’t remember what she was saying, but she’d sounded sad, now that he thought about it. He’d asked her what she was doing and she’d asked to borrow the scissors. Did she say where she was going? Had she said goodbye and he just couldn’t remember?

Tears are welling in his eyes, but he blinks them away. He needs to find her, to bring her back home. Marco grabs his wallet and thunders down the stairs, back to his parents, “Do you know where she went?”

“Well, no,” His mother purses her lips, “She left us a note, didn’t she leave you one?”

“No,” he swallows, grabbing their note and reading it carefully. It makes it hard to keep his tears at bay, but he won’t cry. She’s not gone forever—he’ll find her.

“I’m sorry, Marco,” His father murmurs, “but these things happen.”

Marco nods distantly, turning for the front door and pulling out his cellphone. The voice on the other end grates his ears when she picks up, “Yo, yo, yo, this is ya girl: Pony Head!”

“Pony Head, Star’s missing—“ He starts frantically before the voice interrupts him.

“Hahahaha! I got you, like, _so_ good! I can’t come to the phone right now or I just don’t wanna talk to you, later!”

“Seriously?” Marco grinds his teeth angrily, “She sent me to voicemail?”

His next call is to Tom, although he only does it because he’s desperate, “Is she there?”

“Why hello to you too, Marco!” Tom says, “Is who here? Oh, wait, Star?”

“Yes!” Marco exclaims with exasperation, already almost at his wits end.

“Why?” Tom purrs, “You _jealous?”_

“No!” Marco snarls, down to the last straw, “This is serious, Tom! If you took her—“

“Whoa, slow your roll. Why don’t you tell me why you’re yelling so early in the morning?” Tom’s tone completely shifts, and Marco takes a deep breath.

“I woke up this morning and she was gone, like all her stuff too. I’m…I’m worried Ludo might have kidnapped her, or something else awful,” Marco admits, closing his eyes as he speaks.

“Hang on,” Tom says, and then suddenly a demon carriage is emerging from the ground in front of Marco. Tom pokes his head out, “Get in.”

“So she’s not here?” Marco asks, peering around the carriage suspiciously.

“No?” Tom says, “Not anymore, anyways.”

“What? So she was?” Marco whirls on Tom, angry beyond measure.

“Yeah, she crashed at my place last night. She was pretty upset,” Tom looks at him from under his lashes, “I wonder why.”

Marco clenches his fists, ignoring the way his heart clenches, “Do you know where she is?”

“Mmm, yup,” Tom says, plopping down on one of the plush seats, “but she doesn’t want you to be there with her.”

“…what?” Marco’s face falls, “You’re lying.”

“Dude,” Tom looks up at him, “she left your house in the middle of the night without saying goodbye and she took all her stuff with her. Come on, I didn’t think you were _this_ stupid.”

“Tom,” Marco pinches the bridge of his nose, “Tell me where the f—“

Marco’s ringtone blares, and he jumps a mile, his heart pounding as he scrambles to answer it, “Star?”

“No…it’s your girlfriend, Jackie…?” Jackie says from over the phone, “Where are you? Is everything okay?”

“Star ran away,” Marco says, turning away from Tom, “I’m kinda super freaking out. She took all her stuff and just left in the middle of the night.”

“Oh,” Jackie says, “That sucks, she was pretty cool.”

“Yeah,” Marco laughs breathlessly, “She is. I’m trying to find her…”

“Why?” Jackie asks, and she sounds genuinely confused. Marco feels like his world tilts on its axis, and every beat of his heart feels amplified, thumping loudly in his ears.

“What…she’s my best friend,” He says, a hand coming up to tangle in his hair, “She needs me.”

“Marco…” He can picture her pursing her lips, “She probably doesn’t want you to go after her if she ran away. Maybe she’ll come back later, you never know.”

“It’s not that simple,” he breathes, fisting the hand in his hair. How can she not understand? Marco would do anything to save Star, and she would do anything to save him. It doesn’t matter if things have been strained between them, if the stakes are high, if things seem almost impossible—they are Star and Marco, Magical Princess and Earth Turd. He can almost hear her voice; _we don't need to get caught up in who saves who. All that matters is that we have each other's back._

“Are you sure…that all this is about you two being best friends?” Jackie asks, and Marco furrows his brow.

“Uh, yeah? What else would this be about?” He’s so tired of people talking around whatever it is that he’s missing.

“…are you coming to school, Marco?” Jackie asks quietly, her voice laced with something he can’t quite decipher. It feels like she’s asking him something different, but he doesn’t have the strength to look any deeper.

“I’m going after Star,” He answers, turning back to Tom.

“Okay,” Jackie sighs, “I knew it would be like this, one day. Bye, Marco.”

“Um, bye, Jackie,” Marco swallows, closing his phone. He feels like he should be more upset, because he thinks his short relationship with Jackie is over, but he’s too worried about Star. “Tom,” his voice is firm, “Where is she?”

“She thinks you resent her, you know,” Tom says, “She thinks she was ruining your life.”

The words ball up in Marco’s throat, making it hard for him to answer, “I’m going to fix this.”

Tom appraises him for a moment, before quietly saying, “I don’t know if she’ll forgive me.”

“So?” Marco splutters, “She could be in danger!”

“You’d better fucking fix this,” Tom’s eyes flicker red and pink, “I pulled some strings and found out that guy who stole her book is in this old temple.”

“Do you have scissors I can borrow?” Marco asks desperately, finally getting somewhere.

“I better get them back,” Tom stands, and within moments, Marco is standing in debris ridden temple. There is dust everywhere, signs of a fight. He hears screaming and starts running, shouting Star’s name.

Marco comes skidding to a stop at the edge of a dark room. Star is on her knees, her hair flowing behind her as she screams. Ludo is in front of her, his body limp and laying in a heap. “Star!” Marco shouts, rushing toward her. He drops to his knees in front of her, gasping at the gash on her forehead and the flickering glow of her hearts from bright white to neon green. “Star!”

“M-Marco?” Her eyes snap to his and he wants to cry now that he can see the pain that she’s in, “W-what are y-you doing he-re?”

“I came after you,” He says, reaching out to grab her hands, “I was so worried.”

“He’s tearing me ap-p-part, you s-should g-go,” A few tears leak over, sizzling when they meet her cheek marks. There is no way he’ll leave her.

“Who? Star, how can I help?” His voice raises in pitch as he panics. “Star!”

“T-Toffee,” She stutters, shaking, “I’m evil, M-Marco. I’m t-the worst p-path.” She gasps from the pain, “I c-can’t fight any-more. J-j-just go.”

 _“No!”_ Marco raises his hands to cradle her face, carefully avoiding her cheek marks, “Fight him! Fight him, Star! You’re…you’re the best girl I know, remember?”

“M-Marco,” Star sobs, “Y-you’re better w-without me. Y-you can be h-h-happy. Please, I-I…it’s so h-hard.”

“I know it’s hard,” Marco nods desperately, “but I can’t be happy without you, I could _never_ be. So I need you to fight him, because you’re an amazing person, and a strong fighter, and a great leader, and we would be lost without you.”

“R-Really?” She sniffles, her tears wetting his hands.

“Of course,” he says breathlessly, leaning closer, “Always. I know you can do this.”

“Marco,” she grits, closing her eyes as she struggles, “I l-love you.”

The world tilts back into place, and suddenly everything seems so clear to Marco. He knows what he wants, what he feels. The words are easy, gentle, sincere, “I love you too, Star.”

Marco presses a kiss to her forehead, moving with her as she writhes with a powerful cry. A blast of white light engulfs them, but he doesn’t let go of her face, doesn’t pull away until she stops moving, slumping over into his arms. “Star?” His voice is rough, tears threatening to spill over, “Star, _please_ wake up.”

Marco shifts her so she’s laying in his lap, and he taps her face gently. It feels like the first breath he’s ever taken when she opens her eyes, confused and searching his face. “Marco…?”

“Star,” he sobs, pulling her into a fierce embrace, “you’re _okay!”_

She smiles weakly, “You’re here.”

Marco presses a kiss to her lips, "I'm  _here_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did y'all see the promo for the upcoming episodes im about to _lose_ it

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally supposed to be a fic about tom and star trying to make marco jealous, but look how that turned out. the next chapter will be from marco's point of view. 
> 
> thoughts??


End file.
